Listening Requires Practice
Good communication skills, in particular active listening skills, are probably the most important talents needed to improve your personal and professional relationships as well as promote more business referrals and increase your sales. How well you relate to others is the key component in building rapport and increasing loyalty with clients and referral sources. And let’s face it; growing your business is all about developing relationships.
For most of us, listening skills don’t come naturally and few of us practice, consciously try to improve this skill or include it in our training protocol for our employees. I think the reason we don’t is because we assume we are good listeners and that others are as well. But listening isn’t as easy as it seems. Ask yourself the following questions.
When talking with someone, do you refrain from doing other things and give them your full attention?
Do you face the person with whom you are talking and make appropriate eye contact?
Do you anticipate what someone will say and jump ahead in your mind? Do you interrupt, finish his or her sentence, or start answering what you think their question is before they are finished asking it?
Are you distracted when you're talking with others? Is your attention momentarily interrupted by other people or activity in the area, incoming email, cell phones, etc.?
Do you physically acknowledge different dialogue points when someone is talking - nod your head, change facial expression, etc…?
Are you able to recall accurately most of the details of a conversation? When appropriate, do you rephrase what was said to ensure that you really understand what the person is saying or asking?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above self-assessment questions, you may want to work on improving your listening skills.
Give Your Complete And Focused Attention
When addressed, stop whatever you're doing to focus your attention completely on the speaker and the discussion at hand. Eliminate distractions. Turn off or away from your email and paperwork, let incoming calls go to your voicemail, and close the door to limit outside commotion, if necessary. In busier surroundings, concentrate only on the person with whom you are talking and try not to be sidetracked by other people walking by or activities in progress around you. Resist the urge to check your watch. Facing the speaker and maintaining eye contact will help eliminate some of those distracting temptations.
If the speaker starts to ramble, rather than tune them out or pretend to listen, ask a pointed question to steer them back on track. Another common mistake we make is anticipating what someone will say and jumping ahead in our mind already forming a response. This can happen because we can think faster than someone can speak. The downside is that the speaker will oftentimes throw in a twist, and your premature response will be inappropriate. So use that time instead to review what's being said instead of composing your answer before they have completed their thought.
Be Approachable And Receptive
Always remain approachable and receptive to the speaker and his or her questions, concerns, general comments or opinions. Extending sincere interest in what the speaker has to say creates an atmosphere of trust. Show them that you genuinely want to listen by allowing the speaker to fully explain his or her position, problem, etc… before jumping in with your reply.
Listening with a non-judgmental attitude and without interrupting gives the speaker a sense of importance, a belief that you really do care about what they have to say. Interrupting diminishes the speaker's sense of control and feeling of importance. It also sends the negative message that your comments are more important than theirs are. Try pausing a beat or two between the end of the speaker's thoughts and your response to minimize the tendency to interrupt and to encourage the speaker to open up more.
Work To Understand The Message
Listen with the heartfelt intention that you want to clearly understand what the speaker is communicating. Try not to interrupt the conversation with questions. To clarify key issues, make a mental note or if possible, write down questions to ask when the speaker has finished sharing his or her thoughts. To avoid misunderstandings, check your understanding by rephrasing what you heard. For example, “To make sure I understand what you are saying”. Or ask relevant, open-ended questions to clarify and learn more, like "What do you mean by that?"
To avoid confusion and frustration for both parties, stay focused on one issue at a time and don’t ask questions or make comments that aren't related to the conversation. Concentrate on the message rather than the delivery or choice of words so you are not distracted from what is being said.
Active listening also entails hearing what isn’t being said. Watch the speaker’s eyes and body language and listen to their tone of voice to determine if there is more to the issue than what he or she is verbalizing. They may say one thing, perhaps because they think it is what you want to hear, but their body movements, gestures and tone of voice may convey something altogether different from their words. As is often the case, what isn’t said is often more important than what is.
Listen With Body Language
Your body language can easily reveal your level of interest in the speaker and/or the topic of conversation. Facing the speaker, maintaining steady eye contact (without staring), leaning in slightly, nodding your head, using facial expressions like a smile or a concerned look, and using brief comments like, "I understand" and "Absolutely" are all ways to show that you are engaged and interested in the conversation. Fidgeting with objects and clothing, restlessness, and wandering eyes (focusing on other people or activities happening around you) convey disinterest. In addition, crossing your arms, not facing the speaker directly and pulling away from them implies that you are not open to their ideas, are bored or are assuming a defensive position.
When talking with someone, stand or sit close enough to show your interest, but not so close as to make him or her feel uncomfortable with your proximity. Position yourself so you are at eye level with the speaker to avoid creating an atmosphere of superiority or challenge. Gently nod your head to acknowledge a point and encourage the speaker to continue.
Responses Matter
How you respond to others also shows how well you listen. You must be receptive to the speaker's needs - he or she might just need you to listen to them vent and not expect or even want you to try to fix their problem. It’s always best to use as few words as possible to get your point across. Stop talking if you sense the person you are speaking with is disinterested. If they seem confused, ask a question to guage their level of unserstanding and clarify the issue before moving on. Do not interrupt or try to persuade them to change their opeinion without fully listening to their point of view. Take into consideration cultural differences that may be different from ours (like children or women being instructed not make eye contact, or the need for more space.) Be sensitive to speech and/or hearing limitations by monitoring the speed and volume at which you speak. Do not talk just to fill a silent void - make sure what you say has value for both you and your listener.
Effective communication exists between two people when the listener doesn’t just hear the words, but listens for the message behind the words. We must understand the speaker’s perspective and put our own feelings aside while they are speaking. If we accurately understand the other person’s view, we can be more effective in helping the person. What better way to increase rapport, promote loyalty a build a strong, trusting relationship?
Here are some very old, but still good words of advice that we should all take to heart, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” James 1:19 ☼